Some Honesty

One year and 10 days ago, I moved my young family from Maranatha Bible Camp where Lindsay and I had lived for 3 1/2 years. During that time both of our children were born, and there was so much change in my life it was ridiculous. I can summarize that change by saying that I basically became an "adult" ...or at least I got old enough and gained enough responsibilities to where I couldn't run from being an adult anymore. I don't know that I ever wanted to be an adult. I really liked being a teenager. I had an awesome group of friends, super cool parents, a great place to call home, endless hours of free-time for even more endless fun, and a bright future where my limitless potential would certainly lead to fame and whatever else I wanted. Time passed and I had to grow up. I have so much to be thankful for. I married the woman of my dreams, and we have two awesome children together. Nothing in this world has made me happier than my family has. Never once have I come home at the end of a day and not been excited to walk through the door. My wife is so much more incredible than she thinks, and she's such a great mom. Judah is a super smart kid, and he never runs out of energy or happiness. Olivia is absolutely adorable. When I look at her my heart melts- that's my little girl. I just want to wrap her up in my arms and protect her from everything that's bad out there. I can't even process how fast they are growing up. I love them so much. I feel so passionate about being the best father and husband I can be that sometimes I probably set impossibly high expectations for myself, but I think that's a good thing. I need to keep pushing myself to try to live in the moment before it goes away. I'll fail often, I know that, but by God's grace I hope that I can positively impact my wife and kids' life, and that they'll know how much I deeply love them. Being a husband and father is my favorite part of being an adult. My second favorite? Still trying to figure that out. Honestly, being an adult is really hard sometimes. It's not the constant challenges or inevitable failures, it's not the time-commitments or heavy burden of responsibility...no, what I dislike the most is the fact that deep-down I feel like I have no clue what I'm doing or how I should live my life as an alleged "adult." I moved to Lincoln for opportunity- work opportunities and growth opportunities. When I first moved here I was very intimidated by the video production culture. I was an inexperienced wildcard. I was almost entirely self-taught and had shown potential in my previous work. I cannot think of a single video production professional I've met in Lincoln that either went to film school or has a Bachelor's degree in advertising or a related field. I really didn't know what I was getting into, and there wasn't a lot of reason for me to think that I'd be given any chances. Initially I had to take a "day job" as a cell phone salesman with the hope of someday working full-time in video production. I got a chance to film some weddings for a very established wedding production company, and even though I was super nervous and made mistakes, the owner still liked my footage enough to keep hiring me. Another company brought me along with them to a shoot in Minnesota as a production assistant. When I went on that trip I barely knew the difference between a c-stand and boom-pole because I had honestly never been on a production with standard industry equipment. I was the least experienced person at that shoot by far, which was the total opposite for me because I was used to being the most experienced person when making videos with friends. It was an eye-opening experience, and I was so intimidated the whole time I barely spoke. That's not the real me. As the year went on, I kept getting opportunities. The company that brought me to Minnesota gave me an editing opportunity, which was something I actually knew a lot about. I did well, and they gave me another project and another. Soon enough they asked me if I'd be interested in a part-time position which I replied heck to the yes. So I stayed busy with video stuff on the side, and I actually really enjoyed my "day job" as a cell phone salesman. There were some things I couldn't stand about sales in general, but I had the personality and skill set to be very successful and impress my bosses. I really liked the guys I worked with, and I was fairly content there but I knew it wasn't my passion. I was contemplating if and when I should quit and try to do video full-time when I found out that I really wouldn't have a choice on the matter because my store would be closing at the end of June. God provided, and I was fortunate to be able to increase my hours at the video production company I was working for. They couldn't bring me on full-time, but I at least had enough work to avoid the unemployment lines. I started looking for a full-time video job and interviewed for two jobs but didn't get either. I promised myself I'd be honest in this post, so here's some honesty- not getting those jobs really upset me. I felt I was very qualified for both jobs and thought I nailed the interviews, but as I said I didn't get either job. I kind of took it personally. I had spent almost a full-year working in the industry and gaining "legitimate" experience, but apparently I still had too much of a "wildcard" vibe for both places. I had never interviewed for a job and not gotten it before, and I think I'm still learning to process that. I guess that's part of being an "adult," right? I know I should just get over it, but part of me still wants to just prove them wrong. I think I already have, because even since those interviews my portfolio has improved dramatically. I know that's the wrong attitude to have, but it's just how I feel. One thing that I struggle with is knowing how to let negative experiences motivate me in a positive way. I've always struggled with that. Looking back over the years, I definitely see a pattern of that big time. Why did I become a good wrestler in high school? Because I wanted to prove the people wrong who said I wasn't a good athlete. Why did I always try to be funny and the center of attention? Because in Jr. high people thought I was annoying and I was mad to feel unimportant. This post is already super long and there's so many layers to this that I think it really needs to become it's own post sometime. Anyways, when it came down to it I didn't get those jobs because God had a better plan. I know that, despite my feelings. I needed about 10-15 hours and was praying for God to provide when my church called me up and offered me a position with the youth ministry producing videos...with 10-15 hours per week. It was pretty cool to see God provide so clearly, and also I had really been desiring to connect deeper with people in my church, but for some reason I just didn't do it. That's probably the real reason God gave me that job. That job has been a huge blessing, and for God's glory he has used me to create some pretty amazing stuff. So that's kind of the story of my past year. It's been an interesting ride. Still though, despite improving in my video skills a ton, I still struggle a lot with confidence. It's weird because it's something I don't really remember ever having a problem with before. I remember ever since high school taking pride in my ability to communicate well and just be myself around anyone. God has humbled me in that area big time. I don't know how to feel confident in the adult world. I'm pretty much new to the adult world and I kind of equate it to how I felt when I first became a teenager, back in Jr. High. At first I was totally uninhibited, but I quickly learned that "myself" wasn't good enough for pretty much everyone, and I actually came across as super annoying. I hated myself for the first few years of being a teenager. It wasn't long until I started to use negative experiences to motivate me to show people that they were wrong about me and somehow make them pay for hurting me. I learned to put on the face and say the right things so my "true" annoying self could be suppressed. I kind of feel like I'm in Jr. High all over again only this time much better looking and with better hygiene sometimes. It sucks. The most I ever felt comfortable enough to be myself in Lincoln was at the cell phone store that I'm no longer employed at. For some reason when I work around people in the video industry I feel like some sort of fake, no matter how much I'm told otherwise. I receive a lot of compliments for my work, which are good because it helps me know I'm doing a good job, yet they don't seem to boost my confidence. I don't think this problem is fixable by anything I can really do. I'm at the mercy of God to give me back the confidence I need to be myself, because for some reason it's mostly gone missing for the past year and 10 days of my life.